There's loads of fascist chat being thrown around at present, so, I thought I'd join in with my '5 reasons why Britain should invade France.'
1. It'll solve the immigration "problem"
People want to come to the UK because it is safe, it has a strong economy and treats it's citizens fairly (comparatively- I don’t like our Tory government but it’s better than the Taliban). So let’s get rid of those things and no one will want to move here! If we went to war with France we'd need to re-introduce conscription and call up our citizens to fight. France are close enough to launch artillery barges and our southern towns and cities would be bombed- that'll put off the refugees trying to escape war in their own countries. And there's a good chance our economy will tank when the rest of the world imposes economic sanctions. Sorted.
Is brilliant in this country, general consensus is that we want it and we're prepared to invade to get it.
4. No more Brexit chat.
All the chat about whether the UK should leave the EU could stop as the EU would probably just throw us out. Think about all the time that would save! No party political broadcasts, no articles, no debates - the politicians can spend their time in the War Room instead. And we can all free up some tine on 23rd June because we don't have to go to the polls. Maybe we could have a BBQ... if we haven’t been conscripted.
5. It's Traditional
We love tradition in Britain! There are loads of traditions that still apply regardless of how little sense they make, like men being paid more than women, Estate Agents and not being allowed to eat swan. Being at war with France is nothing if not traditional! As a nation we’ve spent a lot of time at war with the French (Hundred Years War anyone?). In this time of upheaval there’s nothing better than falling back on an old comforting tradition- it would be like the military equivalent of a Yorkshire pudding. And, if we win, we could start rebuilding the empire again! Brilliant!
Other points in favour of invading France
- It’s close enough to swim to
- They never give us the top points in Eurovision
-Most of us learnt French at school so would be able to ask for directions, although we'd have to set up our camps in libraries and swimming pools... Ou est le piscine?
- Rationing would help sort out the obesity crisis
- Paris is nice, we should own that
- Nice is nice but we'd need to change its name to avoid confusion
- They've got a sunny bit at the bottom
Who's with me?!
Ps. In case you’re worried this blog is tongue in cheek, if we end up going to war with France I accept no responsibility at all – although if I am that influential there’s a few other changes I’d like to suggest, like better trains and always being able to take your dog to work…